(Beard Alphabet by Tim Yarzhombeck)

Er. This post started out with good intentions, just so you know. It was going to be an earnest little musing on rainy nights and the music that best goes with them. Sun Kil Moon’s newbie Admiral Fell Promises is on high rotation, for example. A little Iron & Wine, maybe some old Devendra Banhart, just a touch of the National. That little subset got me thinking about whether there’s some correlation between musical genre and the occurrence of resplendent beards. So, naturally, I performed this google search.


I’m sorry – are you seeing this? That is the most pitiful selection of beards and hotness I’ve ever seen. Prince William?? Everyone knows the ginger prince is where it’s at. (Yes, I’ve been waiting for an excuse to post this image of Prince Harry with a puppy):


A good beard requires a bit of grooming (Roald Dahl’s description of one of his characters, possibly Mr Twit, as forever storing bits of food in his beard to nibble on later still grosses me out), but shouldn’t look like it’s been manicured. Sure, it may be the fashionable camoflage of the weak-chinned, but a good beard can convey character, charisma and wisdom. The beard owner may or may not possess these traits, but then beards tend to reward hasty first impressions rather than intense scrutiny.

Anyway. Beard porn. It’s real. It’s out there. You can join a Facebook group for “Hot Indie Rockers With Beards”. Their mission statement is pretty spot on: “We’ll scratch up your face when we make out – but the burn will make you remember us tomorrow…” Well – not that I’d know about that. But it sounds realistic.

Rocker beards, yes. But the Tumblr for Dudes With Beards Eating Cupcakes was just a little too far for me….

*NB the term “beard” as used here assumes the unspoken inclusion of a moustache as well. A beard should never appear without a moustache (else “the chinstrap”, quelle horreur), much as a moustache without a beard looks fey and, well, a bit silly.

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